An Amazing Journey...

Here he is everyone:
Baby Shep
9lbs 7 oz
20 1/4"
10/15
11:28pm



Wow guys, It's been 2 weeks. I wanted to wait to let things sink in a bit, depression to kick in, feeling like I'm missing something...something along those lines, but nothing. Pretty grateful for that. I knew the risks, and still do, as well as all of you. I know you have been worried for me, and I appreciate your thoughts!

So 2 weeks ago I got to fulfill something I have wanted to do for over 10 years. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, 9lbs 7 oz (yikes!!!) and I got to give this little guy over to his family. I can't even describe to you how amazing that felt, to finally after over a year of meeting this incredible family, to help them complete it. The smiles on their faces, and seeing their older son light up when he saw his new baby brother! Seriously people, you should do it, or at least witness it sometime!

It was an easy labor up until the end, but seriously, 9lbs 7 oz. I have never been so physically drained after any of my kids, but then again, my kids were much much easier, and went much smoother, it was a long day, and night, and took awhile to recover my body after that, but I'm feeling 'normal' again.


So questions everyone keeps asking:

How are you doing? I have only had one moment where for a split second I felt alone, and it was sad. On my first day back to work, driving in I realized that this little man wasn't inside me, dancing along to the music, or that he wasn't there for me to bust out some sugarland 'Car'aoke too, but overall there is not better answer how I'm doing than great! I have never been so proud of myself for accomplishing something I have always wanted to do. Also very proud of the fact that I am doing good. I know I went into it thinking, I don't want more kids...yadda yadda, but in reality I am a woman, who carried a baby for 9 months, I have hormones, and at times they will take over...but they haven't, well not yet anyways. I'll keep ya posted.


Does it feel weird? Yes, yes it does...2 weeks ago I was pregnant, exhausted, and uncomfortable, last night I slept on my belly and didn't wake 3 times to pee, I don't wake to a crying baby, but I do to sore boobs, and I have a massive supply of breast milk in my freezer at any given moment...yes, it is very weird indeed, but not in a bad weird kinda way.

Does it make you want a baby? Nope, not at all. I have a 13 year old boy that reminds me everyday why I don't want more. Just kidding. :) Babies are adorable, they make the cutest sounds, and do the cutest things, but I love what I have now, and don't feel like I need or want that in my life. This is what friends are for...to have babies for me to love, and send home!

Will you keep in contact? Yes, first of all, I'm pumping for baby Shep, hence the freezer full of milk, its not for Keith's coffee :), and second of all, I got matched with a great family, and they want Shep, and their other son to know their birth stories. This is actually something I was really hoping for in a family, its an incredible journey we took together as a team. Lots of memories on my side, and I'm sure on their side as well.

Would you do it again? For them...in a heartbeat, but with an epidural next time, that was a big baby! With someone else, I don't think so, I just don't think I could possibly beat the experience I had this time.

So right now I am creating a scrapbook, or memory book, or cd of some sort for our family to remember our journey. If you can think of anything I should possibly add into it, please let me know. I am open to thoughts and suggestions.

Controversy on surrogacy...who knew?

I decided to do a paper on surrogacy for school because my teacher introduced me to class as a surrogate, despite its controversy...what??? What controversy? I had no idea, until I began to search. It blew my mind, different legalities, moral and ethical, selling babies, treating children as commodities...it just kept going. Some states its legal, but not to pay your surrogate, some states its legal for man and wife, but not for a same sex couple, some its just illegal all together, and some it just depends on the type of surrogacy.

Just sayin' I had no idea. I really haven't faced any negativity, and for that I'm grateful.

What's up with the haters in our world today?

It so hard for me to imagine the animosity. I grew up in Willamina, we didn't really have diversity that I remember, either that or I was so oblivious to it. I just wonder how I can live so sheltered from society...move to Portland, and not think twice about it.

just random thoughts.

Week 26...almost 3rd trimester

Wow, where has the time gone to?

Lets see whats going on here now...

Week 26 of the pregnancy, time seems to be flying by. I don't know if the dads would necessarily agree on that, but for me it is. Made me realize how close we were getting when she asked me if I registered for Labor and Delivery yet.

It is such an experience I tell you! I love the moments when I almost forget I'm pregnant (yes baby allows this from time to time) , and I feel this little guy using me as a punching bag or a trampoline and I just think...wow, i did it, I did what I have been dreaming of since I first gave birth to Aaron 13 years ago. It never fails, I always want to cry. I can't even begin describe what a joy it is. I know there are a few people are worried about me afterward, wondering how I will cope. I honestly can't answer this question. I feel strong, I know this is not our baby, I don't feel an attachment, and as much as I enjoy the pregnancy I can't wait for the day I get to see the joy it brings to Mike, Steven, and Soren! My fears lie elsewhere, not in attachment to the baby.

So as of now, apparently this little guy is about 2.2 lbs the calendar says, and the length of a cucumber. Its reassuring to know size of baby, the bigger the better. I'm pretty sure that 2.2 lbs has got to be muscles, he is just pushing me every which way he can, and when I have a full bladder, he attacks it with a vengeance. It's quite funny at times. He has kicked Aiden in the head, which Aiden thought was hilarious. I really don't think the older kids will really be phased by whats going on...especially now they have a little brother or sister on the way, but Aiden I'm curious. I know he knows the baby isn't ours, but I don't know if he fully understands. He proudly tells others that this is not ours...we'll see.

oops forgot to post this forever ago...Week 15

Over this last week I realized I should be more consistent on when and where I'm journaling the pregnancy. I have papers, emails to myself, notepad, and word, as well as one on my blog. I need to compile them all together. So I think I'm going to find what I have, and compile it in one spot...by the events of this week, I think I'll have time soon to get this all organized and put together.

So without a play by play, that I have written somewhere else...lol...this week we had a complication in the pregnancy, Monday, Keith, Mike, and I spent the evening in the emergency room for bleeding, to have them say they don't know why, sometimes it just happens. Wednesday morning, same issue with the bleeding, so I called the doc's office, and left an urgent message. over 4 hours go by without a call back, so I called to ask them what actually classifies as 'urgent', and after explaining again, I was transferred to the midwife on call right away. I spoke with Michelle and she said that after reviewing the ultrasound again, they determined that I have a complete placenta previa. This is where the placenta is covering the cervix.

So anyways, no bedrest, but pelvic rest. For those of you who don't know what that is...Lifting no more than a gallon of milk, no over doing it and super share...no sex, ok I can handle that...wait a min...WHAT??? No orgasm either? EEK! Apparently these can all trigger contractions, which leads to bleeding which equals bad. :( Let me tell you now, still on the super shares...This was a true test to Keith to see how much that boy loves me. It's not like I couldn't offer services to him...but I was still a bit upset about my restrictions that I hadn't quite come around to accepting what others were allowed to do. He says, "but you promised me a teeter totter" Yup, thats my Keith! This guy is a trooper, my mom gave him props, said he must really love me. :) The feelings is mutual, I guess it just was allowing us to develop other aspects of a relationship.

JUMPING TO TODAY: Anyways, this time has now passed...the previa is completely gone, as well as the restrictions. We have a normal healthy pregnancy. :)

Feeling good...

Finally out of my 1st trimester, and starting to feel human again. It is really nice to feel good again, and be able to eat normally!

On that note, since I was able to move I decided to go move my body with Becky last week. That was quite the experience! It blew my mind that I use to work out like that, harder than that 3 times a week, sometimes twice a day, and it was 'easy'. Over time I worked myself from 260 lbs to 195 lbs, um yay! That was very exciting and something I was super proud of, what I wasn't so proud of was when I slowly started creeping back up and eventually made it to 230 again. Definitely not proud, it has been hard for me to see anyone that was there for my journey, especially Becky. I was so disappointed in myself for choices I had and was making. On top of being miserable because of the pregnancy, I have been miserable due to the weight gain, clothes not fitting, and just feeling gross again. I don't know how I ever lived complacently like this, it is not the life for me for sure!

So now, here I sit, 224 lbs, 12.5 weeks pregnant, and obviously weight loss is out of the question, but one thing isn't, and that is making healthy decisions, and choosing to move my body everyday. I can't go back to lifting weights and working out like I was (thank god, no burpees) but I can take my dog for a walk, go do cardio, and do some gentler workouts, yes Becky gentler! :)

Obviously, I will be gaining weight, but I am going to make the choice for that to be a healthy weight gain. Now that I'm pregnant, soda isn't an issue for me...however sweets are. eek, so will have to work on that some. I seem to crave fruits and veggies most of all, so I think I can use this to my advantage.

So, here's to a healthy fun pregnancy, and good choices!

Probably stuff you already knew...just journalling.

Oh, wow, how far we have come...most everyone knows everything that has been going on, but I want to blog so I have more of a journal of it for myself.

December 24, 2010, I began subcut. injections, and estrogen.
Early January I began Progrestrone Shots.

Estrogen and Progrestrone are what your body naturally produces when you are pregnant. Progrestrone is the fun one, leads to mood swings, weight gain, excessive gas, bloating, exhaustion and nausea.

On January 27th, we implanted the two embryos. What an experience, it was crazy to watch this on the ultrasound, it looked like the dropped two little pearls into my uterus, with an extremely full and painful bladder, then they tipped me slightly upside down. Here is when my body went into shakes a little bit, this is real...this is happening, we just implanted two embryos, in a less than a week I could be pregnant. How crazy is that.

I came home from my appointment to some birthday/thank you flowers from the guys, and I did as doctor ordered, and planted myself on the couch and did nothing!

Waiting was really tough, but I seemed to get nauseous, tender breasts, and somewhat crampy, all signs of your period is coming...or early pregnancy. I'm so excited, everyone's hoping for twins, and as much as the c-sections scare me, I am too. What a blessing that would be for the guys. Really with how nauseous I felt, I felt like it better be twins!

About 4 days before my blood test appointment, Kim peaked my interested and asked if I cheated and bought a pregnancy test, and I hadn't because they said they could show false positive, so I never thought about it till she asked. Well, kinda peaked my interest, so I went and bought two tests. I have never used a defective test, yet somehow both of these tests were. The control line never appeared...WTH! Guess there is someone somewhere just telling me to be patient, and I was.

With or without the tests, I was convinced, there was no way I could possibly feel so miserable without being pregnant, or having the flu. :) Mike emailed me later that day, and told me not to stress about the test, that if it didn't work, we would find another donor, and get the ball rolling again.

So Monday rolls around...blood test #1, comes back positive, Wednesday blood test #2, came back positive, apparently my hCG levels tripled in that amount of time, so looks like maybe multiples.

Our ultrasound is scheduled, and the day comes, and IT SNOWS! What??? I'm so excited, I look outside and it looked well enough to venture out, so we opted to keep our appointment, and went in. Mike joined me for the ultrasound, both of us very ancy to see how many, and get a good healthy heartbeat. Which we did!!! Strong heartbeat, 6 weeks, 3 days, just one baby. It's sad to think the other didn't make it, but whats meant to be, will be. It looked like there was another sac, so maybe the other embryo tried, but didn't quite make it.

Good High five to the new daddy to be, hugs and just anxiously awaiting our next appointment to hear that amazing fetal heartbeat again!

March 21, 2011, is our first prenatal. I am 10 weeks, 3 days along, and should be able to pick up a heartbeat. I got to see Maggie Shaw again, Very exciting to get caught up, but its heartbeat time. I'm anxious, I think we all have some worries when it comes time for that. I found myself looking at the wall, and not able to look at anyone in the room, especially Mike when they couldn't find it. I was really scared of what could be, even though Maggie pre-warned us that there was a good chance we wouldn't be able to hear it. She told me though, that she would just do an ultrasound real quick, and I thank her for not letting Mike, Steven and I live in suspense for a whole week.

She put the ultrasound on, and that little bugger was just flipping and flopping all around, rolling and flailing its arms, what a wonderful sight, and such a great stress reliever.

So now I'm just waiting till my next appointment on April 25th, and in the meantime trying to eat healthy, or at all. I am so nauseous, and exhausted it is really hard to do anything. I am seeing my school work lag behind a bit, and my housework as well. It really just takes everything I have to do laundry. I could sleep all day if possible, and I do when I get the chance to. (Thanks Keith)

Anyways, most of this is things I've told you already, but like I said, its more of just a journal for my reference, something to look back on. To remind myself of this different experience that my family and I get to go on.